Why Your Customer Service SUCKS And How to Make It Gold Standard!

You wanna know a secret? A dirty, little truth that every business is aware of but acts oblivious to? Here it is – most customer service departments suck. Yeah, I said it. And if you're squirming in your chair right now, you probably know I'm talking about you.

Before you click away, throwing shade at your screen, hear me out.

1. “Your Call Is Important To Us” (The Biggest Plot Twist Ever)

Ah, the iconic line: “Your call is important to us.” That’s right up there with “the check is in the mail” and “I’m on my way.” We've all been held hostage by that hypnotic hold music that's so repetitive it could be used as a method of psychological warfare. You half expect Morgan Freeman to start narrating your life as you wait.

Cue the clock: it's been 40 minutes, your phone is basically a sauna for your ear, and then, as if the stars align, a human voice! But alas, it's not the friendly, eager-to-assist hero you'd been dreaming of. Nope, it’s someone who sounds like they’re halfway through a marathon of the world’s most boring paperwork and you’ve just asked them to run an extra mile.

If our call is so important, why does it feel like we’ve just been sentenced to the telephonic version of purgatory? Here's a wild thought for companies: If a call is truly important, let’s treat it that way. Like, I don't know, answering it in a timely manner and with someone who sounds at least slightly more enthusiastic than a pet rock. Revolutionary, right?

The fix? It’s simple. Don’t keep your customers waiting on the line for an eternity. Invest in your team, get more hands-on deck during peak hours. Your call might be recorded for 'training purposes' but is anyone actually listening to them? Review those tapes. Train your team. And for the love of everything good, update that hold music.

2. The Automated Abyss

Alright, folks, let's take a thrilling journey: You've finally found time between binge-watching your favorite show and debating pineapple on pizza to call for some help. And bam! "Press 1 for more options." "Press 2 if you want to retrace your life choices." "Press 3 if you’re already regretting this call." (Wish I was exaggerating with that last one).

Is it too much to ask to just get Steve from customer service on the line? I mean, we're in the era of self-driving cars and AI that can beat us at chess, but heaven forbid we get a human on the phone without passing the modern equivalent of the Twelve Labors of Hercules. I don't want to "Press 9 to hear these options again." I want a conversation, not a pop quiz on my patience.

For businesses still riding this automated train: Yes, robots are cute and all, but last time I checked, they still can’t do sarcasm or empathy. So how about we save the digital maze for video games and get back to real human interaction? Just a thought.

The Bold Move? Reduce the layers. Sure, have an automated system to guide the user, but give them an option to speak to a human EARLY on in the call. People value their time, don’t waste it.

3. The "Pass-the-Parcel" Departmental Dance

Ah, the classic 'It’s Not My Department' merry-go-round! You call in, ready to lay down your issue, only to be met with a “Whoops! Not my circus, not my monkeys.” You'd think you accidentally signed up for a departmental relay race, the way you're being passed around.

Let's set the scene: Here you are, thinking you've reached the Mecca of problem-solving, but nope. Instead, you're playing a twisted game of company bingo, where every department's a square and nobody's winning. "Please hold while I transfer you" becomes your new favorite mantra.

Memo to companies everywhere: It's called COMMUNICATION. If Bob in Billing can't help, maybe he should know someone who can, rather than tossing callers into the corporate abyss. Here’s a novel idea: let’s strive for solutions, not more musical chairs. How's that for teamwork?

What's the play here? Cross-train your staff. At least the basics. If they can’t solve the problem, they should know exactly who can and smoothly transfer the call.

4. “We Apologize for Any Inconvenience Caused” (AKA The Most Overused Breakup Line in Business)

Oh, the evergreen, all-encompassing, one-size-fits-all apology: “We apologize for any inconvenience caused.” It's like getting a Hallmark card for every occasion, from your birthday to that time your cat sneezed. You hear it so much, it's starting to sound like the background music in an elevator – bland, repetitive, and easily ignorable.

Let’s translate, shall we? “We’re super sorry you caught us in that oopsie, but we’re going to use this generic line that we use for EVERY oopsie.” It’s like they’ve got a dartboard of apologies and they’re just throwing blindfolded.

A bit of advice for companies: If you’re going to apologize, maybe, just maybe, make it sound like you actually know what you're apologizing for. Crazy idea, I know. But trust me, sounding more genuine than a pre-recorded message on loop might just win you some brownie points. Or at least prevent some eye-rolling.

The 180 Flip: Train your staff to empathize, not just apologize. There's a difference. One feels genuine, the other, robotic. Listen to your customer's concerns, make them feel heard, and then take action.

5. Playing "Hide and Seek" on Social Media (Guess Who's Always Hiding?)

Ah, the modern age, where a Tweet can bring giants to their knees and an Instagram story is the new "word of mouth." Enter: companies thinking they can just slide into invisibility mode when things get heated. “Oh, a complaint on our latest post? Let’s just... scroll past. They'll never notice!”

But here’s the twist: In the vast universe of the internet, where cat videos reign supreme and memes are the universal language, everyone notices. Everyone. Especially when Karen, with her army of followers, is out there hashtagging her disappointment.

Little tip: Ignoring a problem on social media is like trying to hide an elephant behind a lamppost. Not only is it painfully obvious, but it also makes you look like you missed the memo on how the internet works. Or worse, like you just don't care. Either way, not a great look. So, maybe, instead of the silent treatment, a little engagement wouldn’t hurt? Just a suggestion from the vast, very vocal world of online onlookers. 😉

Your Power Move? Engage with them. Don’t just slide into their DMs with a generic response. Address it publicly first. Show the world you care about your customers and you’re not afraid of a little criticism.

Listen, it's 2023. The age-old adage that the customer is always right might be up for debate, but one thing's for sure: the customer deserves respect. If someone's spending their hard-earned money on your product or service, the least you can do is offer them a smooth, hassle-free experience when they need help.

I’m not saying it's always easy. Heck, sometimes customers can be frustrating, I get it. But they’re the backbone of your business. Without them, you're shouting into a void. Remember: Happy customers are your brand ambassadors! They’re more valuable than any ad campaign you’re going to run. Treat them that way.

Businesses are always so caught up in the next big marketing strategy, the next viral ad, the next innovative product – and they should be, that’s important. But customer service? That’s your bread and butter. It’s the simplest win you can make.

If you’re thinking, “Jamie, my product’s top-notch, so what if our customer service is a little off?” Buddy, you’re missing the boat and it's sailing fast. You might have them now, but for how long? It takes one bad experience, one unanswered call, one robotic apology, and boom – they’re gone.

Invest in your customer service. Train your people. Treat your customers like the gold they are. And for crying out loud, get rid of that darn hold music.

Now, go out there and make some change. Before your customers do it for you – by going to your competitor.